It’s 12:00 am. I lay staring at my computer. Just minutes ago I was startled awake by what? I have no idea. After tossing and turning for several minutes, I found it impossible to go back to sleep while talking to God, so I decided to get up and document this part of my spiritual journey.
I had the realization in church tonight that all I really do is live for me. I live for the ‘Brooke’ on the outside, not for the Brooke God desires me to be. Tonight instead of just bringing about conviction in my spirit, God gave me a picture. I’m not sure yet that I totally like it, but it’s a reality check, a spiritual reality check and as hard as it is, it’s good for me. I know I need it.
I’ve known the meaning of my name forever, the name Brooke means ‘to go forth in a small way across the face of the earth.’ I know that a brook is something full of gentleness, nothing to be afraid of, a refreshment that brings joy, good memories, and a sense of contentment. What I have found recently though, is that I am doing just that—for myself!
There are a couple of commandments that most of us are familiar with, and would most likely say that we never break—you know, like ‘thou shalt have no other gods before me.’ Well, surprise, surprise, I have committed idolatry; sometimes even almost blatantly. I don’t really know why I do it. I desire to serve God, but sometimes my desire to please myself is so much greater!
I have taken no time for God lately while I spend hours on myself. I spend at least 30 minutes a day grooming myself (most days longer), countless hours working or in school and a few pleasurable hours reading books. Is anything wrong with these activities? No, I really don’t think so, but the thing that is wrong is that I am totally leaving God out of my life. Sure, I still pray, I read the Bible, but I have not been putting God first. I have failed in my commitment to God and I am miserable. I am worn out. I am tired. And my family would attest that I am a little more than grumpy. A pretty far cry from what I am called and desire to be.
I want to do great things with my life. I want to be a Gladys Alward, a D.L. Moody, a Fanny Crosby, an Amy Carmichael, a person who does great things and make great sacrifices for God. I want to be a place of refreshment and joy for those around me, but I am not doing that.
A couple of years ago, I was in New Zealand and witnessed a huge flood that washed through the town of Marton. The stream that flowed through the property was full of trash, mud and impurities. It was an incredible thing to see. This is how I feel I have allowed my life to become. I cannot be refreshing to anyone because I am not pure, I am not clean. My life is cluttered. There’s trash and contaminants in my soul.
Tonight God has given me this picture of a contaminated brook but he also gave me a solution. How is that stream to ever become clean once again? How will that water ever become drinkable and refreshing again? There is only one way, to let the spring, the pure, filtered clean water feeding the stream bubble up out of the earth come through and wash out all the filth. The wonderful simple thing I have to do is let the Holy Spirit do this work in me. I need only to follow his prompting, to fill my life with Holy Scripture, which is pure to become clean. I need to repent and to think on all that is pure, holy, just and of good report.
When this happens I can once again become a clean, refreshing ‘Brooke’—a thing of tranquility and joy. In this way I will find refreshment and be able to give to those I come into contact with. Now that I have this written out and have spent time in prayer, I think I will be able to sleep. I am exhausted and need rest. Thankfully we have a loving Father in heaven that promises His beloved sleep. I know in human eyes I may not be totally beloved, but confession and repentance is a beautiful thing that reaps great benefit.
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June 14th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Your testimony has really encouraged me and challenged me to examine my own life to see the things that cause me to focus on “me” rather than Christ Jesus. May the Lord continue to finish the work which He has begun in your life. Thanks for being real…because those who are “real” and transparent are the ones that God’s power can really work through to conform them to His Son’s image. =)
June 15th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Thank you Brooke. I’m afraid that I could tell a very similar story. Thank you for the encouragement…I am going to start some cleaning up here! You are absolutely right-it is the water of the word that cleanses; something I’ve been terribly neglecting lately. “Me first” and God gets the leftovers.
Thank you for this testimony; I needed it today.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Thanks so much for your willingness to share what God is doing in you, Brooke. God is moving and I can tell He wants to start with His people. When I was in Northwoods last week on Tuesday with the girls, God broke me about who I am, too! Its so easy for me to fall into living that what was begun in the Spirit can be completed in the flesh…And it doesn’t work.:)Yielded people yield more. God bless you for encouraging us all to truly live the Journey.(FYI, human eyes really do see you as more beloved too as you share your brokeness!!)
June 18th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Dear readers,
Your comments both here and through e-mail humble me in that the frank honesty of this testimony has touched you. It’s not as if I have accomplished some great thing or been through incredible crisis, in reality this is just a little piece of ordinary me. I was asked last week if I have ‘experienced God’. My answer was ‘Yes’, because it is in times like those shared above that I know God, that I hear Him, and it’s this ‘knowing God’ that makes living the Christian life so incredible.
Blessings,
Brooke~
June 25th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
This has been good for me to read, Brooke. Challenging me to look more deeply at what is truly motivating me to do what I do, and in contrast, yet alongside that, rest in the work that Christ is doing in my heart in order to bring me to full maturity in Him. “Abondonment to God is of more value than personal holiness.” (Oswald Chambers) May our hearts continue to be more abondoned and yeilded to Him that we may be one with Christ as He is with the Father thus being a fountain of living water (the essence of Christ) spilling over from our lives to those around us.
Hid with Christ,
Jessica